The Epidemic

If someone were to ask me today what I am most passionate about, I would have no hesitation in telling them. Fatherlessness.

There’s no substitute for a full-time dad. Dad’s who are fully engaged with their kids overwhelmingly tend to produce children who believe in themselves and live full lives.
-Tony Dungy, former Indianapolis Colts head coach

Before I start, I have to put a disclaimer out there and say that this article only pertains to families with living fathers. I am aware that tragedy occurs and sometimes we lose those good fathers and husbands. 

 

This is kind of an intense subject for me so as I sit down to right this, I have to take a couple deep breaths and physically loosen up my body. It’s like the feeling I used to have before walking out onto the court before a game. I knew people would be watching me play and the way I played would tell a lot about who I was. In the same way, this post depicts a subject I want to write about in a way that conveys the urgency it deserves.

• Children in father-absent homes are five times more likely to be poor. In 2002, 7.8% of children in married-couple families were living in poverty, compared to 38.4% of children in female-householder families.

Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Children’s Living Arrangements and Characteristics: March
2002, P20-547, Table C8. Washington, D.C.: GPO 2003.

• The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services states, “Fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse.”

Source: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. National Center for Health Statistics. Survey on Child Health. Washington, DC, 1993.

• Children in single-parent families are two to three times as likely as children in two-parent families to have emotional and behavioral problems.

Source: Stanton, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. National Center for Health Statistics.”National Health Interview Survey.” Hyattsville, MD, 1988.

• In studies involving over 25,000 children using nationally representative data sets, children who lived with only one parent had lower grade point averages, lower college aspirations, poor attendance records, and higher drop out rates than students who lived with both parents.

Source: McLanahan, Sara and Gary Sandefur. Growing up with a Single Parent: What Hurts, What Helps. Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1994.

• In a study using a national probability sample of 1,636 young men and women, it was found that older boys and girls from female headed households are more likely to commit criminal acts than their peers who lived with two parents.

Source: Heimer, Karen. “Gender, Interaction, and Delinquency: Testing a Theory of Differential Social Control.” Social Psychology Quarterly 59 (1996): 39-61.

 

Enough stats? I would wager to say that most of societies problems are due to lack of good fathers in the lives of children. I believe that our prisons would be less full, our streets would be safer and our schools wouldn’t have to worry so much about bullying and gun violence. I am not just talking about fathers that aren’t present in the home either. I’m also talking about those fathers who live at home but aren’t involved in their kids lives. They aren’t there to teach their children how to live rightly. They aren’t there to validate their children by saying how much they love them or how proud they are of them. We, as fallen humans, are always looking for validation in someone or something. It could be your job, relationships, or other people. We strive to be seen and be known so we aren’t forgotten or neglected. In the lives of young men, it comes in multiple forms. It could be anything from bullying another kid to joining a gang. Gangs provide a sense of brotherhood. They say, if you join us and do things for us, we will accept you as one of our own. We will protect you as one of our own. As a teenage male looking for validation, what more could he ask for? Thus, he is pulled down a road of crime, drugs and violence. It’s a perpetuating cycle that never ends because as long as there are children without good fathers in the home, there will be children who long for a sense of validation and love. It happens more in lower income homes than upper income, but the principle remains in the upper income families. Children still bully other children because they feel validated in being bigger or stronger than someone else. Children still act out in school because it’s the only way they will get noticed and recognized.

I spent the summer after college working for a traveling kids camp. We would arrive in a city, set up camp and just have fun with hundreds of kids from the community for a week. Then we would pack up and go to the next city. We did this for 10 weeks. There is one week that sticks out in my mind the most. I can’t remember where we were exactly; but on Wednesday of that week, we had gathered all of the kids together to play some games and sing some songs. Out of nowhere I see a kid (probably around 11-12 yrs old) jump out of his chair run across the aisle with his fist in the air ready to punch another kid. Myself and one of my co-counselors saw it as it happened so we sprinted down the aisle and I was able to literally pick the kid up mid-run to keep him from hitting the other kid. I pretty much carried him over my shoulder out of the auditorium followed by my boss who was telling me to call his parents and not to let him come back. I wasn’t really listening to him nor was I going to do that. I wasn’t going to give up on this kid like that. I sat the kid down and calmly asked him what happened in there. You know what he told me? He said that that kid looked at him funny. I was having a hard time  keeping my sarcasm in because that answer seemed so ridiculous to me. Then I realized that he felt like he was being questioned. That his validity in front of his posse (about 5-6 boys that were between the ages of 8-10) was being challenged. So what else could he do but show himself worthy by punching the other kid. This kid and I chatted for a good 15 minutes about how, in life, you can’t go around hitting everyone that looks at him funny or says something to him. We discussed his love of football and that he would need to control that anger if he wanted to succeed. We also discussed the fact that he had 5-6 kids that followed him around and looked up to him because he was a leader. I told him that I was taking a chance on him. I knew he was a good kid inside, but I couldn’t protect him if he did something like that again. My boss would see to it himself that he was sent home. After our conversation, I led him back inside and we sat together at the back of the auditorium. I sang with the kids and did the motions, but in truth, it was all I could do to keep from weeping for this kid. The rest of the week, he was probably the best kid at camp. He went from sitting out of every game because he was too cool to play to being a big part of every one of them at the end of the week. There were a couple of times he would start acting out but all I had to do was look at him and he would straighten up and often smile back at me. I found out later that he and his little brother lived with their grandmother in a rough part of town. I don’t know where his parents were. I don’t know where he is now or how he is doing, but I can only hope and pray that he is succeeding.

Donald Miller wrote a book called, “To Own A Dragon: Reflections on Growing Up Without a Father.” It literally changed so much of my life and perspective. I had been bitter and angry at my father for not being around most of my life; not in the sense that I never saw or talked to him but in the day-to-day, 24/7 sense. I didn’t have him to validate me. Miller’s father left him completely and he harbored bitterness for a long time until someone, his mentor, reset his focus. This mentor pointed him to Christ, his REAL father. The father that never left him. The father that gave him everything he needed to feel validated. To feel loved.

Our earthly fathers were never supposed to be perfect. They are merely a reflection or ray pointing us to Christ. This concept rocked me so hard. Not only did I realize that I needed to forgive my earthly father because I set expectations for him too high, but I also realized that my relationship with Christ was being driven by my lack of understanding of what a father was. I, even sometimes today, approach God in fear that He will leave me if I screw up. God’s never-ending, unconditional love is something I can never understand; and because of that, I used to disregard it. For a long time, I had a hard time even calling God “Father.” I have sense had a discussion with my father about this and have forgiven him. Doing so has allowed me to be freed from the bitterness and the captivity of always feeling like I had to be better than my father. I was freed from the constant striving to one day have kids and prove that I was a better man and father despite what happened to me.

Yes, God is the only true one who can validate us and love us rightly, but while here on earth, fathers need to grasp the gravity of their responsibility. They hold in their hands the future. The way children grow up will most often determine the way they end up. I’m not saying that every child that is loved at home will grow up to be a successful person, but I am saying they will have a better chance because they will be better equipped in knowing who they are in themselves.

I know a lot of people have strong feelings on this issue, so I would love to hear feedback or comments…even spelling or grammar errors but keep those to a minimum.